when the water lapped my ankles I thought how sweet to walk
along the line between the ocean and the sand with the waves keeping time
but now the salt is in my mouth and there is never enough air
when old hopes are a chain dragging me down, down, down, down, down
into the sea

there’s not room for both of us, for me and me
and I don’t feel like I made this choice, I don’t feel like I have a voice
all I wanted was to play the songs that get me out of my own skin
all I wanted was to play the songs that made me feel something beyond myself

when the water lapped my ankles I thought how sweet to walk
along the line between the ocean and the sand with the waves keeping time
but now the salt is in my mouth and there is never enough air
when old hopes are a chain dragging me down, down, down, down, down
into the sea

rub the lotion on my skin
paint the roses on my face
bow at the altar of routine
I don’t know my mind, but I know my place

I don’t like myself today, and nothing’s gonna change it

It’s a new year but I’m not new
the weight of it all can’t be erased

it’s a new year but I’m not new
you can read the story on my face
I don’t know my mind, but I know my place

put on a fancy dress
slip on my best pair of heels
armoured up with glitter and gloss
so no can tell how I really feel

I don’t like myself today, and nothing’s gonna change it
It’s a new year but I’m not new
nothing’s gonna change it

why can’t we be happy?

I can resent the girls and the boys
for being cookie cutters, but we’re all someone’s toys
maybe it’s a scraped elbow or a busted knee
it’s all the same pain, now it’s up to me

why can’t we be happy?

I’ve got a choice
I can break or bend
I can doubt or trust
I can fight or defend

it’s up to me
I can take or I can give
if I want to feel alive
I’ve just got to live

why can’t we be happy?

let me spin, let me design
these patterns only I know, let me unwind
let me drift, I’m best unknown
gloriously free and alone

I’m an idea, I am not real
a fragile cord, unseen, ignored
I need to build something for me
though I’m not sure yet what it will be

let me spin, let me design
these patterns only I know, let me unwind
let me drift, I’m best unknown
gloriously free and alone

someday when I get old
I’ll slow down as my bones fill with cold
when I look back I will see
that I was gloriously alone and free
and how I drifted, undiscovered, unknown
I was gloriously free and alone

this one’s for the time you said I drove you to it
this one’s for the time you swore I made you do it
this one’s for the time you fired and took off running
this one’s for the time I trusted you and couldn’t see it coming

it’s throat is never far from my hand
recounting old debt that’s yet to be repaid
when I heard the shotgun shudder I planned to make a stand
but my scars still ache and I’m still too afraid

this one’s for the time you said I drove you to it
this one’s for the time you swore I made you do it
this one’s for the time you fired and took off running
this one’s for the time I trusted you and couldn’t see it coming

maybe tomorrow I’ll melt this old metal down
twist it into something new, wear it like a crown
regal as a queen when I see you coming with your gun
but I’m not ready yet, I only want to run

I’m not ready yet, I only want to run

why don’t we go to the ocean
and dip our toes into the sea?
we could search for bottles
the lost messages between you and me

why?
why has the water gone so dry?

why does it feel like it’s crumbling
when there’s so much to be done?
earthquakes and hurricanes rattle our bones
i keep thinking, we’re all too young

why do the planes shine on us
like surrogate stars?
in the city there are no constellations
just the pinpoint lights that bleed between the bars

why?
why has the water gone so dry?

the more I think I know
the less I understand
everything I’ve built keeps collapsing
towers in the sand

why?
why has the water gone so dry?

but I feel it beat inside, I feel it keeping time
with the breaths that bring me life, pulling in the oxygen
how can it be a bad thing, when my heart keeps beating
bringing the inspiration that makes the air worth breathing?

if I had a good heart I’d be there for you
you could call me up and I’d be at your door
sometimes I’d think of you and do something just because
but you don’t believe in my heart anymore

I feel it beat inside, I feel it keeping time
with the breaths that bring me life, pulling in the oxygen
how can it be a bad thing, when my heart keeps beating
bringing the inspiration that makes the air worth breathing

if I had a good heart…

Last night’s money was green, green, green
a crumpled bill
unintentional origami I’m unfolding still

and my mouth is a graveyard full of crooked tombs
my head is a hotel full of empty rooms
my mouth is a graveyard full of crooked tombs

Last night’s drinks were gold gold gold
within my throat
that spilled out lies and laughs enough to keep me afloat

Last night I was all red red red
a liquid fire
until daylight came and quenched all my desire

now my mouth is a graveyard full of crooked tombs
my head is a hotel full of empty rooms
my mouth is a graveyard full of crooked tombs

I don’t know why I do this
even while I do this I don’t know why

No one knows that every day is a battle to stay on my feet
I’m a soldier firing on my enemy unwillingly
I’m the enemy

Every pill I swallow makes me more in need
Of medicine to supply what nature won’t concede
And I smile, and I smile, though it’s a false one
Until no one can tell that anything is wrong

No one knows every day is a battle to stay on my feet
I’m a soldier firing on my enemy unwillingly
I’m the enemy

Please don’t ask me why I won’t play, or walk through the park, or take a subway
Please don’t tell me it’s gonna be ok, you can’t see the creatures feeding on me
It started with my body, and then they took my dreams
Appearances are never what they seem

I’m the enemy

so just take a deep breath and figure out what you want to do
cuz no one’s gonna do it for you

so what if it rains when you were hoping for sun
and no one recognizes your name?
there are still mysteries to unravel one by one
unless you’re too busy looking for someone to blame

so just take a deep breath and figure out what you want to do
cuz no one’s gonna do it for you

I couldn’t move but I learned to walk again
I couldn’t speak so I taught myself to sing
when you need the sun and all you get is the rain
swallow your pride and learn a new refrain

just take a deep breath and figure out what you want to do
cuz no one’s gonna do it for you

I’ll get swept up in the current
And washed out of the harbor
Mingling with the flotsam
Learning to breathe underwater

Then I’ll float through the reefs
In glaring sun and pounding storm
I’ll stare up at the sky
Never cold and never warm

Until I wash up on some beach
With seaweed tangled in my hair
And sand clinging to my skin
It doesn’t matter when or where

I’ll build a shelter
I’ll build a shelter
I’ll build a shelter
No one will find me there

No one will find me there
And try to force me in a mold
No one will find me there
And make me choose to stay or go

No one will split my heart in two
and squeeze the pieces into dust
No one will find me there
and make me choose between my love

I’ll build a shelter
I’ll build a shelter
I’ll build a shelter
No one will find me there

I climbed into the attic
To rifle through what’s left of my past
The layers I see, like the rings in a tree
Lay bare all the history I’ve amassed

We can’t know the ocean until we’ve been at sea
We can’t know the mountains until we’ve scaled the peaks
We can’t know the desert without the burning sand beneath our feet

I’m too young to settle down
My mom had three kids when she was my age
But every word, to me, is a possibility
That I can nurture or ignore or raise

It doesn’t pay to follow this muse
She floats me down a narrow river
When the price of crossing is too high, she sends me back with a sigh
And these dark messages to deliver

We can’t know the ocean until we’ve been at sea
We can’t know the mountains until we’ve scaled the peaks
We can’t know the desert without the burning sand beneath our feet

So there’s no use in wondering how things could be
I did the best I could with what was given to me
There’s no truth in excuses or time machines
But before I cross the river I plan to know the sea

My eyes retreat
An unfocused gaze I learned
From watching my mother reconstructing her past

I feel tired and numb
Exhaustion without emotion
The alarm has gone off at the same hour for ten years now

If I were to fall apart
If I were to open up
Would the stitches rip out and leave me like some busted rag doll?

An open wound
Ten open wounds
I usually just cover myself over in bandages and glue

Ignore the bite marks on my lips
Forgive the nail prints in my skin
I’m not afraid of the pain, I’m afraid I’m a hurricane

I’m afraid of what I’ll do
Without these restraints
It isn’t discipline, you’re thinking, it’s self-preservation

But if I’m really storm and wind
If I spin out of control
I know there’s a light ahead

Even if I lose control
Even if I never let go
Even if I fail to spin at all
I know there’s a light ahead

when we were young there were no roads
in the empty lot where the wildflowers grow
we’d run in circles until we made our own

so let’s take the road from New York City
up to the mountains, down through the valleys
let’s take the road that no one knows
no one knows,  it’s our own

we’ll outpace the rhythm of regret
we’re all broke, but we’re not finished yet
there are still some stars and roads we haven’t met

so let’s take the road from New York City
up to the mountains, down through the valleys
let’s take the road that no one knows
no one knows, it’s our own
no one knows, it’s our road

flowers don’t grow in shadowed back alleys
they don’t open for the rain and sun and bees
if they don’t wither in the storm or open to the sun
no life will be risked or stolen or begun

so I’m chipping at myself with a chisel and hammer
what’s underneath will be a scarred, shrunken seed
and the first shaft of light will burn like a blowtorch
while I am revealed naked in my need

flowers don’t grow in shadowed back alleys
they don’t open for the rain and sun and bees
if they don’t wither in the storm or open to the sun
no life will be risked or stolen or begun

my tender skin released from its armor
will drink the world in with newborn abandon
it’s worth everything, the pain of exposure
as I relight the world with a single late bloom
as I meet the world, both the sun and the sting

If I can’t find new worlds I’ll just have to make my own
If I can’t find new worlds I’ll just have to make my own

Some people go to coliseums
and do what you’re supposed to do, when in Rome
or ride gondolas in Venice
slipping like shadows between water and stone

If I can’t find new worlds I’ll just have to make my own
If I can’t find new worlds I’ll just have to make my own

So show me your pictures of castles and towers
Show me the rainforest filled with strange flowers
Show me a wild bird winging for home
If I can’t leave this world, I’ll just make my own
If I can’t leave this world, I’ll just make my own

If I can’t find new worlds I’ll just have to make my own
If I can’t find new worlds I’ll just have to make my own
I’ll just have to make my own

to learn from the past
or to scrape my knee
I could walk in circles
or dance around with destiny

maybe there’s no meaning to it all
this relentless need to rise and to fall
these chances to fail and to succeed
maybe the outcome isn’t as important as the deed

people always fight
and break each other’s hearts
but sometimes we are kind
or we find solace in playing a part

how can we be so cruel?
how can we be so sublime?
there’s no shadow without light
there’s no change without time

maybe there’s no meaning to it all
this relentless need to rise and to fall
these chances to fail and to succeed
maybe the outcome isn’t as important as the deed

I’ve wasted years trying to understand
to stop the hourglass and count the sand
to find the words for why we break and why we bleed
maybe the outcome’s less important than the deed

don’t make the mistakes of your mother
this place will swallow you whole
it will take all the ravens that once soared for you
and leave you with nothing but bones

lost in the city, no one will find me
lost in the city, no one will find me

i worry every night about you
how you’ll eat, how you’ll survive
when you were a kid the monsters never found you
but now I fear they’re eating you alive

lost in the city, no one will find me
lost in the city, no one will find me

but go
i know
you must go
i know
i can only pray, i can only hope
and let you go
i know you need to go

lost in the city, no one will find me
lost in the city, no one will find me
lost in the city
lost

the pressure is coming on from all sides now
but i endure it and i push back
there’s a gemstone hidden within me somewhere
or there’s a dark stone that will bleed and crack

everything says that i should be happy
but all i see is another mountain to climb
and i’m not a saintly maria spinning hardship into song
i’m a puppet, i’m a busker, i’m a mime

so give me another task i can’t complete
chain me to a stone on the ocean
and tell me to count the grains of sand on the beach
or the bubbles bursting softly into foam

everything says that i should be happy
but all i see is another day to defeat
at best i’m just a slave to the wheel
but there’s no cage and there’s no rage, only repeat

repeat, repeat, repeat

if i break, if i bleed
i’ll awake again with what you need
and there’s no chain, there’s no cage
only repeat

repeat, repeat, repeat

I don’t want to go out on the road anymore
I don’t want to play to Carnegie Hall
I’m tired of my proud thinking and impossible standards
Believing somehow I can rise above it all
It’s just a build-up of compromise and disappointment
An ant hill that grew into a mountain
And oh when I was 16 I had a hundred stupid dreams
But people change and sometimes I think I don’t want anything
Or that’s the lie I tell myself while I keep writing and writing and fighting

I am coiled up so tight inside
I don’t ever want to be set loose
I’m afraid of what would happen if I lost control
Better to leave Pandora’s Box unopened, unused
I thought someday all the pressure would turn my coal into a diamond
But I fear it’s just grinding me to dust
And oh when I was 16 I had a hundred stupid dreams
But people change and I’m not saying this to gain your sympathy
I just don’t know why I’m still sitting here again, writing and writing and fighting

When you don’t want to hear another sad song
And I don’t want another struggle with my muse
If only life gave us what we asked for
Instead of forcing us to guess and choose
a, b, c, d, or all of the above, or none of the above
or maybe I’ll just leave the answer blank